Hey Ricky Gervais

I'm fairly certain that there are a lot of fat people that don't choose to, or like being fat. It's okay though, you're famous, so you can say what you'd like.

p.s. Still love the guy, but maybe don't be a dick.

p.p.s. "This is the best fried chicken I had all day" is pretty funny

Roger Ebert made me tear up a bit

Before you read further, please read Roger Ebert's wonderful piece about his inability to eat, drink or speak. He has made up for his lack of speech by becoming a prolific blogger and twitterer. He's also come up with a pretty clever way of replacing eating and drinking: memories.

I had a conversation with my friend John a while ago, about how quitting smoking was so much easier than learning to eat better and losing weight. With smoking, you can just stop. Yes its hard to do, but there are harder things in life (I've experienced plenty). But I did it, I quit smoking, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about just having one more satisfying puff of nicotine smoke every once in a while.

Eating is harder to quit because you have to eat. It's not something you can just stop doing, its more about controlling your behavior and learning new ones. It take discipline and sacrifice. You have to be vigilant and isn't easy.

For people like me, food is tied to closely to emotion and feelings, separating the necessity of food and the feelings of something delicious is something that has to be done if you want to eat, live and feel better. There are always opportunities to enjoy yourself, but you have to control those opportunities.

Roger Ebert does not pity himself, if anything he seems to have become a new man after his many surgeries, so it would be wrong for anyone to pity him. Even Roger has his own vivid memories and the emotional baggage that comes with them and he doesn't have the need to practice self control, his diet is structured for him through his g-tube.

For all the, pardon the term, weight we ascribe to food in our subconscious, we have to realize that eating that calorie filled delight that reminds us of our mothers, our grandmothers or the responsibility free days of child-hood isn't healthy. What is healthy is thinking about those times and realizing that our thoughts and memories are more important than the taste of a certain type of bread, a particular soda or your grandma's favorite place to eat.

Earlier vs. Now

This is Maggie and I in May of 2006, 1.5 years before we started in earnest to lose weight. We were both at our biggest. Maggie had size 28 pants and weight 275 pounds. I was in size 46 pants (though I'm sure that suit is 54 or 56) and I weighed between 350-360.

This is us last weekend. Maggie is at 195, size 14/16, and I'm around 250, size 36/38. We're not at our goal weights yet, but in order to know where you're going, you have to recognize where you've been.

Still hovering around 255-260. I haven't gained much, nor have I lost much. I'm just maintaining. The thing is, I do not want to maintain. I want to lose more. If the past 6 or 7 months has proven anything, it's that Maggie and I can maintain. Which is something that I feared we would not be able to do. I thought that i'd get down to my goal weight and just go back to the 2 Frozen Custard Cones a day habit, or spending 10 dollars at Taco Bell just by myself.

The good news is that McDonalds, Taco Bell, KFC and Wendy's are pretty gross to me now (for the most part). Would I eat a Big Mac right now? Probably, but I would never go there and buy one, not only because I know they are gross, but I would feel immensely self conscience about being a fat ass going to buy a Big Mac. I still get a rumbly in my tumbly for a Whopper now and then, but I'm not going to get one. Fast Food was always one of my biggest issues, I would eat fast food upwards of 10 times a week for months at a time. I think i've sort of licked that compulsion, but it will always be there slightly. Especially when people in the office bring in french fries, and I have to sit here smelling them.

Maggie and I have hit a speed bump though. We can't get back to what we were doing a year and a half ago, when I lost almost 90 pounds over the course of 9 months. What were we doing then that is so different from what we are doing now? I think its been an issue of control and access. We don't really control what we eat as much as we used. We don't eat bad, but theres a difference between eating properly and eating to lose weight.

I hope to get back on track, if not right now, then soon, because i'm at a point now where i'm on the brink of being able to fit into any XL sized shirt I want, but not all of them (especially the cursed athletic fit). If it doesn't fit, i cannot justify buying a XXL. I just can't do it. It would make me feel like I gave up. So instead, my wardrobe has dwindled down to a couple polos, 2 button ups and more t-shirts than i've ever had in my entire life because t-shirts are cheap and they fit pretty reliably (even though maggie thinks they're probably a smidge too tight, i don't disagree).

I'll try and start posting more often because it always felt good when I could share my triumphs and my failures and all of that. Maggie sent me a link to a fantastic website, Pasta Queen, run by a girl who lost almost 200 pounds over 2 years, and this little bit felt particularly relevant to me:

Food is my drug, Kroger is my dealer and I've definitely been using. I'm still not sure if "addict" is quite the right word. The term "compulsive eater" might be a better description. I've definitely felt compelled to eat. I've wanted to eat chocolate in a way that is more powerful than just a desire for something yummy. I've wanted to eat when I'm not hungry. I've wanted to eat when I know it will make me gain weight or cause me health problems, and I've done it anyway. I've wanted to eat in some primal way that goes beyond just the need for survival.

Read the rest of the entry here. It's really good.

I'm finally under 260, after a couple months of working at it (sort of). Just barely though. I'm still finding it pretty difficult to keep the snacking down. In most cases, if its in front of my face, i'll eat it. I'm like a dog or something. Even though I know its bad, i'll eat it, because its there.
This past weekend Maggie and I splurged a little and went out for breakfast, I proudly ate only half of the pancakes I ordered ( i felt like I had a brick in my stomach), but later that night we went to a friends house where I chowed down on tortilla chips, pretzels, goldfish, pizza, chocolate covered raisins, salsa, taco-dip and animal crackers. Not all at once, but it doesn't even matter at that point does it?
Sunday, I ate the left over pancakes for breakfast, but my fat ass was still hungry so I had the last soy chorizo we got from trader joes. We didn't really have lunch after Maggie got back from her photoshoot, but we had sushi from Trader Joes for dinner.
Yesterday, I had yogurt and cereal for breakfast and worked through lunch. At about 3 i realized what time it was and I knew I needed to eat, but instead of eating the soup bowl that I brought, I bought a muffin, a banana and a diet pepsi. I could have done much worse, but I could feel that muffin sitting in my stomach for the rest of the night. I then ate a handful of pretzels, salad and some spinach pie, also from trader joes.
Today, all I've eaten is an apple for breakfast and the soup bowl from yesterday for lunch. I did have a diet pepsi, but i've been trying to subsist on water since then.
It's hard. Not the hardest thing in the world, but its really hard not to think about food all the time even though i'm not even hungry. Its so easy for me to walk downstairs and buy whatever I want from the cafe, sure its overpriced, but my fat stomach doesn't care. It just wants something to snack on.
All I want to do is get rid of the belly, hopefully by the end of the year, at least a noticeable difference. Its fucking ridiculous that I've lost 90 pounds now, but I'm still a fucking fatass.

2009 So Far = Weak Sauce

So I've still yet to break 260. The past few months have been hectic to say the least. In addition to all the moving, getting married, getting a new job stress i've yet to put forth a solid plan for financial recovery. I've been sort of a dick with credit cards and as a result, me paying off my massive debt prohibits me from financially participating in important things like saving for an eventual house, or even paying certain bills that maggie and i have. As a result of the boatload of depressing financial bullshit, I've not been totally faithful in regards to watching what I'm eating. But the first step to feeling better is getting better and so far, nothing ridiculous this week as far as overindulging or extra snacking is concerned.

It's amazing how fucking much I convince myself I need. I need those chips. I need that fucking hamburger, but as each day goes by I miss it less and less. So now that the marriage and job and moving thing is taken care of, my number one remaining stressor (other than still being a fat ass) is all about the cash-yeah.

I'm not totally sure where to go from here. I'm personally working on my nutrition and food and everything to the best of my ability. So i'm at least on some sort of recognizable track with that. But the money thing is just nuts and totally fucking staggering to think about. It hurts my brain.

First thing, saving. I need to get back into saving. I saved a whole lot for the wedding and still paid my bills on time so now that I'm making nearly twice as much, I think if i pretend that theres still some large event to save for, then I will save. If only for emergencies, if not for some definate goal i.e. a house, vacation, whatevs.

Second, REDUCE MY DEBT. I'm paying boatloads of interest right now and i'm working on transferring a few balances around so i can pay more towards principle and not so much towards the interest. This is probably the second times i've done the balance transfer thing and it didn't work out the last time because i'm a fucking dummy. It sort of has to work out this time because I couldn't possibly feel anymore like a tool about it than i already do.

Third, SPEND RESPONSIBLY. I caved and bought Dark Knight on Blu-Ray last week, but I swear to god that was my first borderline irresponsible purchase in months. I also got two new video games for christmas and those will totally keep me busy for a while. Anyways, just don't buy a bunch of stupid bullshit is all i'm saying. I've done decently with that for a while (though we could probably spend less on going out to eat than we do now), and i just have to keep it up. Less money for bullshit equals more money towards debt.

So yea. Eat Better. Spend Better. Major Goals, not just for 2009, but for the rest of my life.

Special thanks should go to Maggie for putting up with a Hobo for a husband.

2 Things

2 things have occured recently that I think are monumental in my epic journey to lose weight. I'm officially past the 60 pound mark, which is nice. But I'm still fat, so 60 pounds was kind of a drop in a bucket. Theres actually another thing that happened that i'm not going to share on a public forum because I don't want someone researching me on the internet to read about it and ask me about later or something, so be happy with this:

1. I fit into an X-Large shirt. Which is uncanny to me. I'm not able to just pick up any XL and put it on, but i've done so with a few shirts, including the new XL Hanes Undershirts I had to buy because my 2X ones are starting to look like dresses. I haven't worn an XL since 7th grade. Seriously. That was like 13 years ago.
2. I fit in size 38 jeans. This also has not happened since 7th grade. Back when I was 12, i was at least 225, minimum, but I was also a couple inches shorter, so i was little more stout. Unlike the the lithe animal I am now (har har har). 38 was sort of the end that I had decided in my mind, because I thought I would have to lose 100 pounds to get there, but apparently 60 is fine for that, so i'm gonna keep going, past 250, and hopefully to at least 199. Which would be epic.