Hey Ricky Gervais

I'm fairly certain that there are a lot of fat people that don't choose to, or like being fat. It's okay though, you're famous, so you can say what you'd like.

p.s. Still love the guy, but maybe don't be a dick.

p.p.s. "This is the best fried chicken I had all day" is pretty funny

Roger Ebert made me tear up a bit

Before you read further, please read Roger Ebert's wonderful piece about his inability to eat, drink or speak. He has made up for his lack of speech by becoming a prolific blogger and twitterer. He's also come up with a pretty clever way of replacing eating and drinking: memories.

I had a conversation with my friend John a while ago, about how quitting smoking was so much easier than learning to eat better and losing weight. With smoking, you can just stop. Yes its hard to do, but there are harder things in life (I've experienced plenty). But I did it, I quit smoking, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about just having one more satisfying puff of nicotine smoke every once in a while.

Eating is harder to quit because you have to eat. It's not something you can just stop doing, its more about controlling your behavior and learning new ones. It take discipline and sacrifice. You have to be vigilant and isn't easy.

For people like me, food is tied to closely to emotion and feelings, separating the necessity of food and the feelings of something delicious is something that has to be done if you want to eat, live and feel better. There are always opportunities to enjoy yourself, but you have to control those opportunities.

Roger Ebert does not pity himself, if anything he seems to have become a new man after his many surgeries, so it would be wrong for anyone to pity him. Even Roger has his own vivid memories and the emotional baggage that comes with them and he doesn't have the need to practice self control, his diet is structured for him through his g-tube.

For all the, pardon the term, weight we ascribe to food in our subconscious, we have to realize that eating that calorie filled delight that reminds us of our mothers, our grandmothers or the responsibility free days of child-hood isn't healthy. What is healthy is thinking about those times and realizing that our thoughts and memories are more important than the taste of a certain type of bread, a particular soda or your grandma's favorite place to eat.

Earlier vs. Now

This is Maggie and I in May of 2006, 1.5 years before we started in earnest to lose weight. We were both at our biggest. Maggie had size 28 pants and weight 275 pounds. I was in size 46 pants (though I'm sure that suit is 54 or 56) and I weighed between 350-360.

This is us last weekend. Maggie is at 195, size 14/16, and I'm around 250, size 36/38. We're not at our goal weights yet, but in order to know where you're going, you have to recognize where you've been.

Still hovering around 255-260. I haven't gained much, nor have I lost much. I'm just maintaining. The thing is, I do not want to maintain. I want to lose more. If the past 6 or 7 months has proven anything, it's that Maggie and I can maintain. Which is something that I feared we would not be able to do. I thought that i'd get down to my goal weight and just go back to the 2 Frozen Custard Cones a day habit, or spending 10 dollars at Taco Bell just by myself.

The good news is that McDonalds, Taco Bell, KFC and Wendy's are pretty gross to me now (for the most part). Would I eat a Big Mac right now? Probably, but I would never go there and buy one, not only because I know they are gross, but I would feel immensely self conscience about being a fat ass going to buy a Big Mac. I still get a rumbly in my tumbly for a Whopper now and then, but I'm not going to get one. Fast Food was always one of my biggest issues, I would eat fast food upwards of 10 times a week for months at a time. I think i've sort of licked that compulsion, but it will always be there slightly. Especially when people in the office bring in french fries, and I have to sit here smelling them.

Maggie and I have hit a speed bump though. We can't get back to what we were doing a year and a half ago, when I lost almost 90 pounds over the course of 9 months. What were we doing then that is so different from what we are doing now? I think its been an issue of control and access. We don't really control what we eat as much as we used. We don't eat bad, but theres a difference between eating properly and eating to lose weight.

I hope to get back on track, if not right now, then soon, because i'm at a point now where i'm on the brink of being able to fit into any XL sized shirt I want, but not all of them (especially the cursed athletic fit). If it doesn't fit, i cannot justify buying a XXL. I just can't do it. It would make me feel like I gave up. So instead, my wardrobe has dwindled down to a couple polos, 2 button ups and more t-shirts than i've ever had in my entire life because t-shirts are cheap and they fit pretty reliably (even though maggie thinks they're probably a smidge too tight, i don't disagree).

I'll try and start posting more often because it always felt good when I could share my triumphs and my failures and all of that. Maggie sent me a link to a fantastic website, Pasta Queen, run by a girl who lost almost 200 pounds over 2 years, and this little bit felt particularly relevant to me:

Food is my drug, Kroger is my dealer and I've definitely been using. I'm still not sure if "addict" is quite the right word. The term "compulsive eater" might be a better description. I've definitely felt compelled to eat. I've wanted to eat chocolate in a way that is more powerful than just a desire for something yummy. I've wanted to eat when I'm not hungry. I've wanted to eat when I know it will make me gain weight or cause me health problems, and I've done it anyway. I've wanted to eat in some primal way that goes beyond just the need for survival.

Read the rest of the entry here. It's really good.

I'm finally under 260, after a couple months of working at it (sort of). Just barely though. I'm still finding it pretty difficult to keep the snacking down. In most cases, if its in front of my face, i'll eat it. I'm like a dog or something. Even though I know its bad, i'll eat it, because its there.
This past weekend Maggie and I splurged a little and went out for breakfast, I proudly ate only half of the pancakes I ordered ( i felt like I had a brick in my stomach), but later that night we went to a friends house where I chowed down on tortilla chips, pretzels, goldfish, pizza, chocolate covered raisins, salsa, taco-dip and animal crackers. Not all at once, but it doesn't even matter at that point does it?
Sunday, I ate the left over pancakes for breakfast, but my fat ass was still hungry so I had the last soy chorizo we got from trader joes. We didn't really have lunch after Maggie got back from her photoshoot, but we had sushi from Trader Joes for dinner.
Yesterday, I had yogurt and cereal for breakfast and worked through lunch. At about 3 i realized what time it was and I knew I needed to eat, but instead of eating the soup bowl that I brought, I bought a muffin, a banana and a diet pepsi. I could have done much worse, but I could feel that muffin sitting in my stomach for the rest of the night. I then ate a handful of pretzels, salad and some spinach pie, also from trader joes.
Today, all I've eaten is an apple for breakfast and the soup bowl from yesterday for lunch. I did have a diet pepsi, but i've been trying to subsist on water since then.
It's hard. Not the hardest thing in the world, but its really hard not to think about food all the time even though i'm not even hungry. Its so easy for me to walk downstairs and buy whatever I want from the cafe, sure its overpriced, but my fat stomach doesn't care. It just wants something to snack on.
All I want to do is get rid of the belly, hopefully by the end of the year, at least a noticeable difference. Its fucking ridiculous that I've lost 90 pounds now, but I'm still a fucking fatass.

2009 So Far = Weak Sauce

So I've still yet to break 260. The past few months have been hectic to say the least. In addition to all the moving, getting married, getting a new job stress i've yet to put forth a solid plan for financial recovery. I've been sort of a dick with credit cards and as a result, me paying off my massive debt prohibits me from financially participating in important things like saving for an eventual house, or even paying certain bills that maggie and i have. As a result of the boatload of depressing financial bullshit, I've not been totally faithful in regards to watching what I'm eating. But the first step to feeling better is getting better and so far, nothing ridiculous this week as far as overindulging or extra snacking is concerned.

It's amazing how fucking much I convince myself I need. I need those chips. I need that fucking hamburger, but as each day goes by I miss it less and less. So now that the marriage and job and moving thing is taken care of, my number one remaining stressor (other than still being a fat ass) is all about the cash-yeah.

I'm not totally sure where to go from here. I'm personally working on my nutrition and food and everything to the best of my ability. So i'm at least on some sort of recognizable track with that. But the money thing is just nuts and totally fucking staggering to think about. It hurts my brain.

First thing, saving. I need to get back into saving. I saved a whole lot for the wedding and still paid my bills on time so now that I'm making nearly twice as much, I think if i pretend that theres still some large event to save for, then I will save. If only for emergencies, if not for some definate goal i.e. a house, vacation, whatevs.

Second, REDUCE MY DEBT. I'm paying boatloads of interest right now and i'm working on transferring a few balances around so i can pay more towards principle and not so much towards the interest. This is probably the second times i've done the balance transfer thing and it didn't work out the last time because i'm a fucking dummy. It sort of has to work out this time because I couldn't possibly feel anymore like a tool about it than i already do.

Third, SPEND RESPONSIBLY. I caved and bought Dark Knight on Blu-Ray last week, but I swear to god that was my first borderline irresponsible purchase in months. I also got two new video games for christmas and those will totally keep me busy for a while. Anyways, just don't buy a bunch of stupid bullshit is all i'm saying. I've done decently with that for a while (though we could probably spend less on going out to eat than we do now), and i just have to keep it up. Less money for bullshit equals more money towards debt.

So yea. Eat Better. Spend Better. Major Goals, not just for 2009, but for the rest of my life.

Special thanks should go to Maggie for putting up with a Hobo for a husband.

2 Things

2 things have occured recently that I think are monumental in my epic journey to lose weight. I'm officially past the 60 pound mark, which is nice. But I'm still fat, so 60 pounds was kind of a drop in a bucket. Theres actually another thing that happened that i'm not going to share on a public forum because I don't want someone researching me on the internet to read about it and ask me about later or something, so be happy with this:

1. I fit into an X-Large shirt. Which is uncanny to me. I'm not able to just pick up any XL and put it on, but i've done so with a few shirts, including the new XL Hanes Undershirts I had to buy because my 2X ones are starting to look like dresses. I haven't worn an XL since 7th grade. Seriously. That was like 13 years ago.
2. I fit in size 38 jeans. This also has not happened since 7th grade. Back when I was 12, i was at least 225, minimum, but I was also a couple inches shorter, so i was little more stout. Unlike the the lithe animal I am now (har har har). 38 was sort of the end that I had decided in my mind, because I thought I would have to lose 100 pounds to get there, but apparently 60 is fine for that, so i'm gonna keep going, past 250, and hopefully to at least 199. Which would be epic.

I'm spiritually exhausted and as a result, my weight loss as slowed a bit. I just have to work harder is all. We're getting married in 57 days and thats enough time to get down to 250, which was the goal, when this started. it'll be tough going, but i think i can do it.

when i say spiritually exhausted, i mean it, i'm in such a general funk right now. mostly concernign work and money, and when those things bother you, its hard to forget about them considering how important they are. its lame, i know, and typical. but its tough to not let them bother you.

thankfully maggie is extremely patient and is giving me the benefit of the doubt as far as that is concerned, but i don't want to wear out her patience. i'd like some really good news, really soon.

Total Weak Sauce

I haven't research how old this is or when it was posted or anything other than a cursory glance, but I've already developed a staunch opinion about it. And that is that Threadless ripped me off all in the name of sweet t-shirts. Total weak sauce Threadless. I thought I knew you.

I'm at about 280 now, maybe a little less, not sure, I haven't weighed myself in a couple days.

Florida worked out pretty well, despite eating worse than I should have for 5 days, I ended up not gaining anything back and came out ahead in the end, having lost a pound over that week.

I think Maggie and I are at a point now where our bodies are so well adjusted and our metabolisms are so good that we could probably binge a little more often if we wanted to. So are bodies are on the right track, but as always, its a mental game. Just because we CAN it doesn't mean we SHOULD. At that is the end all be all that we have to hammer down.

I'm not sure that i'll be in an XL by the end of July like I wanted to, But i'm pretty sure that by the wedding I'm gonna be super hot, to match Maggies super hotness.

Looking Good, Plenty Tight

I haven't posted in a while, but thats okay. I haven't really done much on the weight front worth mentioning over the past month-ish or so. Until last night.

You see, Maggie works for a wonder lady by the name of Robin. Robin is a high-end wedding photographer in Chicago, and Maggie is her assistant. Robin is SUPER-NICE and is photographing our wedding on the cheap, the really really cheap. Which is really really nice and cool of her. So, she wants to do an "engagement session" with us (which is funny, because we've been engaged for almost 3 years, so its more of an "when the eff are you guys getting married? session") (october 4th, if you were wondering). Anyhoo, it just so happens that both of our schedules became free for tomorrow and we're going to shoot the pictures then. As a result, I needed to get some new pants, because my current 9 dollar Wal-Mart Jeans kind of look like shit and wouldn't really be good to be photographed in.
You see, since we've been dropping weight like Jay-Z used to push it, I've been kind of uncomfortable with buying expensive clothes, because I plan on loosing more weight, so i don't want to waste money on jeans that i won't be able to wear in 2 months. But since Maggie is cool beans, and I don't want to looks like a farmer in our pictures, I decided the right thing to do was to hunker down and by some fly denims.
So we went to Target last night and I hit the clearance section first, natch. And lo and behold, a pair of Merona Boot Cuts pops up and i'm in love and IT WAS ON SALE (i had planned on spending a minimum of 30 dollars on new jeans, which is a stretch for me, but I instead spent 12 , score)
I tried them on in the fitting room and let me tell you, them shits in the hottest pair of clothing i've ever owned. For realsies. Like, super hot. Basically, I feel like I'm on fire while i'm wearing them, but in a good way. Maggie likes them alot as well, but doesn't have nearly as big of a boner for them as I do. Which is strange I suppose, that I find myself more attractive than my fiance does, but whatever, that whole other post on wholly different blog.

Fiber + Onions = The Deadliest Combination

Maggie made some onion rings last night. But she made them tasty and healthy using ground up fiber one cereal for the breading, then baking them. Super tasty and only 1 gram of fat for 15 rings! Though I am sitting on ticking timebomb.

I also officialy passed 50 pounds yesterday. 50.6 to be exact. I feel pretty good about myself and I'm super proud of Maggie as well. She bought really hot new shirt last week. Man, it's really hot. I told her so last night. Maybe she'll buy another, or wear it more often, because, honestly: smokin. She'll probably yell at me for typing that here.

I'm gonna have some left over onion rings and salad for lunch. So i'll probably be tootin' for a good while.

John Ridley is a Stupid Dickface

This guy is a stupid dickface that completely ignores the issue. It isn't about fat people whining. It isn't about fat people wanted to be thrown onto the same card as blacks, gays and jews. What its about is general cultural misunderstanding and disrespect.
It can be narrowed to a number of different issues as to why America is so fat. But its ignorant and naive to suggest that its all at the fault of the individual. Which is the exact misunderstanding, bordering on stupidity, that I'm talking about.
I can attribute my "fatness" to a number of different issues, and then i'll show you how I resolved those personally, and how others might find it difficult to resolve the same issues:

1. I ate alot.
I resolved this issue by, simple, not eating so much. But I only did so with the positive reenforcement of family and friends, most importantly my fiance. If I didn't have that positive reenforcement, I can see it being EXTREMELY difficult to lose the weight I've lost.

2. I ate the wrong foods.
I resolved this issue by, once again fairly simply, eating better foods. I did this because I have money and access to the correct and nutritious foods that have helped me lose weight. Despite what John Ridley might think, not everyone in the world as access to or can afford to shop at Whole Foods Market. Not to mention that not everything is world is intrinsically good for you. sure eight Big Macs are a bad idea, but you know what, so is one Big Mac. Not to mention that not everyone in the world is informed as to what is bad for you. With all the marketing dollars shoved into shit food like McDonalds, Taco Bell, Coca-Cola, Chips Ahoy, Oreos and Doritos, is it that hard to imagine that most of America assumes that the above mentioned are their only options fo sustenance?
As an example go to Oak Park, IL west of Austin Ave. Affluent and ripe with boutique diners for vegans and those with wide and varied palettes. Just a few blocks east of that what do you see? Adds for Subway, Church's Chicken, Bud Light, KFC and other number of terribly terribly bad for you foods. Think about the type of people who live west of Austin: Affluent and white. Now think about the people who live east of Austin: Poor and black. Who in that mix do you think has more opportunities to eat healthily? Whose fault is it? Is it the black kids fault because he doesn't have the gusto to walk a couple a blocks to get his Free-Range Organic Chicken Wrap?

Those are the two biggest obstacles to eating healthily in todays society and at all levels it takes a special kind of person to ignore alot of what we are force fed on a daily basis from commercials and billboards. Not everyone is as iron-willed as John Ridley to ignore the institutionalized acceptance of the obese but at the same time abhor their physical presence. Think about how the food industry would collapse if we were all shining beacons of personal responsibily like John Ridley. They'd just have to stop making twinkies and ding-dongs and lay potato chips because no one would buy them anymore. No one would drink Slurpees or super-size anything. No one would get 2 hots dogs for the price of one, and certainly no one would eat more than their fair share at an all-you can eat buffet.

John Ridley, you're a stupid dickface.

How to Lose 4 Pounds in 2 Days

Lots of Diarrhea, and lots of vomitting. I wouldn't suggest either.

On a side note, i'm officially under 300 pounds. Which was recorded 2 days before I got sick. As of last weigh in, I'm 294.3 lbs.

Prepare For Glory

I weight myself the other day: 300.6 pounds.

Thats me in the red cape. The ninjas are fat cells. I am murdalizing them.

300. I haven't been at that weight in years. Probably since high school. I bought new pants last week at Wal-Mart for 9 dollars. And it sort of seems like they're already too big on me. But what I think the real problem is, is that I have a fat stomach. My fat stomach is slowly being murdalized away by my hal jordan-ness and as a result, its starting to droop like a 39 year old D-cup hippie. So, I can't really pull my pants up as as high as i'd like to. so I'm kind of rocking some low-riders right now and I'm really self concious everytime I bend over because I have feeling my ass crack might pop out. I have a feeling that by the time Florida rolls around (2 months!) It's girth will be reduced significantly.

Today is also maggie and I's negative one/half wedding anniversary. 6 months. Yowza. I'm pretty excited. Especially since I'll be all sexy and skinny.

I also set a new goal for myself to get down to an XL by the end of July. So'z I can wear my free Dark Knight shirt when I go see Dark Knight on the IMAX. You'd think they'd make a couple XXL's when they're handing out shirts at the comic-con. Gimme a break people.

My Birfday

So my birthday weekend was pretty elite. Maggie and I agreed to not count points on friday night, through sunday, as it was not only my birthday, but zombie jesus day as well. So there was tons of delicious food and while I didn't exactly stuff myself, I did eat alot. Enough to warrant a couple hearty d-bombs.
Friday night we went to Red Robin where I had a couple chips and a little bit of the Cheeseburger Con Queso dip which I'm positive is not good for you. I also had a Guiness, my first drop of alcohol in over 2 months. For my entree, I enjoyed a delicious Veggie Burger, and an order of fries. I then thoroughly obliterated my points for the day by eating the ice cream sundae which I was given for free, it being my birthday and all.
Saturday was a roller coaster of delicious food and awesomeness. For breakfast I kept it simple with yogurt and cereal. For lunch, boy o boy. I don't even want to list what I ate. But I will add that I did enjoy the delicious cupcakes Maggie made. They were s'mores cupcakes and I basically wanted to fuck them.
For dinner we went to Kampai Steakhouse in Mount Prospect, basically a low-rent Benihana. We ate tons of food and I tried for reals sushi for the first time and guess what: i don't like sushi.
We kept it chill that night and watched a movie, then went to bed.
Sunday we ate tons more food (including another fuckable s'mores cupcake)
Today we had a Trade Show in Oakbrook and we went to Cheesecake Factory, I had a tasty seared tuna and mixed greens salads with a wasabi vinegarette.

I should also mention that me super awesome fiance got me a PS3 for my birthday. She's crazy and awesome and I'm madly in love with her.

BA BA NAAAAA! BA BA NAAAA!

I went to the doctor's today at i was told that since I was there last, I've lost 30 pounds. 340, 6 months ago. Today my official weigh in was 310. w00t!

In addition to that: This weekend I bought TWO, count'em, TWO new comic book inspired t-shirts, which I will more than likely grace theses pages with hot shot model images of, because not only am I skinnier, I'm now sexier. No, I probably won't because I'm still a fat ass, and the 2X's I bought are like 1 inch from fitting right, and I'm keeping them as inspiration.

So I'm pretty happy right now, I probaly could have knocked another pound off had I taken a bigger shit before I went to doctor, but I'm okay with it. The next celebration will commence when I've reached 299. Because I haven't been under 300 in about 5 years. My tummy is jiggling its so happy!

I bought shirts

I bought 3 shirt yesterday, they are summer shirts. They don't yet fit, but they will soon. They're 2X's. I haven't fit into a 2X since freshman year of high school. I really haven't fit in 3X for a long either, I've just been in denial. They're pretty slick shirts.

I also made a doctors appt. for next week to get the semi-official weigh-in. I'm sort of excited about seeing him to see what he says.

The sausage man came to work today. I didn't buy or sample anything. Though it all looked and smelled delicious. Maybe next year Sausage Man, maybe next year.

15 Pounds!

I've been pretty good for the past week. No solid complaints. Though, Mary is making Shepherds Pie tomorrow so that guarantees me a light lunch, because I loves me some Shepherds Pie. Mmmmm.

Maggie has been rocking the healthy cooking tip for a while now. Last week she made ultra-tasty Quinoa and Sundried Tomatoes. Then the other day she rocked some Polenta and Salmon. Fuck, I feel like I'm living with Emeril Lagasse, except a girl, and alot prettier.

It really helps having someone to do this with you, it honestly does. If Maggie and I weren't tag teaming this shit, I'm almost positive I wouldn't have come this far. 15 POUNDS ALREADY! I can't believe I've lost that much. I'm about a week or two away from needing new pants. My pants have nearly fallen down twice at work this week.

I also had a talk with Dr. Vega about being creatively stifled. He says I just gotta do it. Just get out there and do it. And today I did. It's great to be creating for yourself, i feel like it gives me power of some kind. Like when Superman charges himself by flying past the clouds into direct line with the sun. (I make alot of DC references on here, but it should be known that I'm a Marvel man through and through)

So for the most part, no complaints. I still do want to eat a bunch of cake and I would love to scarf down a whopper right now, but I won't, because not only am I better than that, but Maggie would probably be mad at me, and Lord knows she doesn't need anymore reasons to be mad at me.

Weekend

This weekend was pretty dees. We went out to Illinois and at the world famous Grape Leaves. We got some babaganoush and we each had a falafel sandwhich. My dad joined us and he dined on some heavenly falafel. I dont know how many points it was, but it was probably alot, so we kept it low key for dinner and just had a big salad and some tuna sushi from whole foods. We also finished off almost an entire bottle of wine.
Sunday morning was one of my first buffett experiences since we started and I think it went swimmingly. I only had one plate, honest i did. I also had some orange juice, actually alot of orange juice. We didnt really keep track of points but I didnt have any donuts or bagels, just some fruit, eggs, potatoes, bacon, sausage and french toast and still kept that pretty light. I was stuffed so we walked around brookfield zoo for a couple hours before finally heading home. I had to pick up a skinny mocha latte from starbucks so I didn't doze off on the way home. For dinner we had salads with a little bit of chicken breast. A light dinner to offset the massively heavy brunch we had.
This morning I had my yogurt/cereal and for lunch I ate a healthy choice meal, i think it was pot roast. I was feeling good until after lunch, now I feel full and haggard. We're going to hit up costco again tonight to grab some vitamin water and probably some more yogurt. Maggie is going to make Quinoa for dinner and I'm going to go home and do as much laundry as I possibly can.