Dear Fat,

Fuck you. I just kicked your ass. That's right, I'm wearing the Old Navy Western Shirt I bought 6 months ago. I haven't been able to fit in it and I was too lazy to return it. So I said to myself, "Keep it Justin, when you lose weight you'll fit in it." Now I do fit in it, and I fucking rule hard.

Mary's food was tasty, but I kept it light. Maggies cupcakes were godly and I only had one. We went to Miller-effing Bakery Cafe for lunch today and I had salad and fish. No crab cakes. No dessert. I'm totally fucking awesome. I feel like punching the sky and being like "I AM HAL JORDAN! I'M THE EFFING GREEN LANTERN!" BOO-YAH!

Thats me Broseph. Thats Me.

With Love,

Justin

A Test of Wills aka Sinestro's Calling

So today will be a day to remember, that is, if I pull it off. Today, began with my simple yogurt/cereal 4 point breakfast. I then held off on snacks, and ate a big salad for lunch that I'm going to give 1 point to for the salad dressing. Then, I caved and ate a piece of grape flavored fruit leather for a grand total of 6 points so far today.
Tonight is Lost night. Mary, god bless her, always makes a delicious meal. Tonight she's concocted the devil herself in the from of Chicken Parmesan. I knew this ahead of time, which is why I went so light today, because I know that later, I will be bad. In addition to that, my lovely fiance baked TWO KINDS OF CUPCAKES. I've promised her that I will only try the chocolate cupcake, as me and chocolate cake have kind of lost our connection since this whole thing started. So I will be bathing in the sea of temptation this, hopefully I'll be able to step out, dry myself off, and continue on course. I don't want to drown tonight. Nay, I WILL NOT drown tonight. Thanks The Secret!

Cake is awesome, I am not.

I'm still eating well. But the feeling of awesomeness gained from diet change has subsided into my normal depressing self. I feel totally awful today. I ate yogurt and cereal for breakfast, and other than this cup of coffee that I'm working on, all I've had is a piece of grape fruit leather. I'm not going to cheat. Though I really want to. There's been a cake sitting in the breakroom for about a week, and its probably gone bad by now, but I really want to slam my face into it and devour it.

This brings me to what I think was one of my issues to begin with. My association with food and feeling happy. When I would get depressed, I would eat, regardless of whether or not I needed it or whether or not I was even hungry. It didn't matter what it was, as long as I was eating. Last night Maggie was taking a bath and I was working on my LinkedIn profile and all of a sudden I felt extremely lonely. I went down to the kitchen to find something to eat. I hadden yet breached my points alotment, and I probably shouldn't have eaten anything else for the day, but I settled on a bag of popcorn. A whole bag. Its not necessarily bad for me, but it was really good for me either.

Why did I do that? Because I felt lonely and sad and since Maggie was taking a bath I needed food to comfort me. That sort of what I feel like doing right now. Maggie isn't here, and there's nothing here at work to make me feel good other than tons of shitty food. I'm going to avoid it, if only to prove it to myself that I can. But what other options do I have for getting rid of the shitty feeling? I'm not sure.

Last night I also had a really weird dream that I think may have weirded me out for the day. I dreamt that my dad had to take me to school, to high school in fact. Only our car was parked in someone elses yard and we had to hop a fence to get to it. I've always had issues with hopping fences. I think i'm just not coordinated enough to pull it off gracefully. So my dad hops the fence and tells me to join him. I told him to get the car and drive around the block to pick me up. He runs to the car and I turn around to run back into my house, only this time I'm not wearing any shoes and the backyard is full of dried dog shit that I have to hop and jump over to avoid stepping in. I get back inside and my mom, who died two and half years ago, is laying on the couch watching something on TV about the Civil War. She's hugging my dog Maggie, and my other dog Molly (both of which died just before my mom did) is sitting in front of the couch. I was consciously aware of the fact that I hadn't seen my mom in over 2 years so I went to sit next to her on the couch and I began petting my dogs. Then my mom told me that I had to get to school. So she walked me to this small classroom in the middle of a field which was in the middle of a forest. I went inside and I sat next to my cousin Nick, who had died almost 10 years ago. My mom sat across the room from us. The teacher is teaching something about ecology and nature and showing us slices taken from trees and informing us that tree rings can tells us alot about what a tree has been through and how old it is. Just then this large group of people dressed like pilgrims walks in. Their clothes have this strange green threading. They start chanting something at my cousin, and my mom tells me "It's alright" and some of them turn to start chanting at my mom. At this point I am consciously aware of that fact that I am communing with the dead and that none of this is actually happening. Then I woke up.

I have no idea what any of that means, but It really makes me want to eat some cake.

Valentines + Weekend

I had a great Valentines. As usual, Maggie got me some kick ass gifts, including the Vampire Weekend CD, the Juno Soundtrack and best of all: a kick ass drummer robot tin toy! Fucking awesome.

On thursday we made our weekly trek to Chicago to watch Lost with Tom and Mary and crew, that was kind of our Valentines Day "going out". Mary made tasty soup, of which I had only one bowl, though I desperately wanted more. She also made Angel Food cake and fresh fruit for dessert, which was fantastic and tasty.

On Friday I did the yogurt thing again for breakfast and had a microwavable healthy choice dinner for lunch. We ate dinner a bit early, I had a "steak salad", basically a sald with a piece of steak slapped on top of it. It was good and it filled me up. Though the steak was fried, which I wasn't prepared for. We then returned to Chicago Friday evening to meet Maggie's Dad at the Auto Show. We don't plan on getting a new car any time soon, but it's always good to keep an eye out. I'm digging alot of the smaller vehicles, like the Toyota Yaris, Kia Rondo and the Suzuki SX4 Sport. Suprisingly, I fit in them this year, which is encouraging. I tabbed my points to around 28-30 for the day, which is under my 35 point high limit, but past my lower limit, which I've managed to stay under for most of the week.

The rest of the weekend was difficult because we had work engagements that involved plated meals. We kept it simple during the day to save most of our points for dinner. Which was okay, the best part being the carrot cake. Sunday I ate tons and tons of fruit for breakfast, as well as a little bit of eggs, potatoes, 1 slice of bacon and 1 slice of french toast, just to fulfill my traditional breakfast desire for them. I then cheated a bit and had a soft pretzel and mustard for a snack a bit later during our work meeting. When I got home I ate tons of salad and broccoli, and then we ate popcorn a bit later. I didn't calculate my points, but I figured it was pretty high.

I'm only at 5 points so far today and I can feel my tumbly a-grumblin' and it looks like its lunch time soon. Another Healthy Choice again. I'm not sure what we're having for dinner though.

Oh, BTW, the Weight Watcher Cookies and Creme Ice Cream Bars are fucking delicious. They put anything good humor has to shame.

2 signs

1. Down one notch on my belt.



2. My pants that I bought at Target last year finally fit pretty well.



Are these good signs or even for real signs? I would like to think they are, but then again I am prone to psychotic fits of elation, so who knows really? I guess its between me and my belt loop, and my gut and my fat thighs.

Point Values

This morning I woke up late, 7:02, i had to leave in 18 minutes. I went into the bathroom to take a piss, as soon as I was done I washed my hands. I turned around to start the shower and all of a sudden I could feel my stomach turn, followed by cold sweats, shaking and dizziness. I felt like I might have diarrhea or something so I sat on the toilet and put my head in my hands, the sweat just pouring out of me like I had just stepped out of the shower. My legs were weak, my knees were weak, I had to lay down. I laid on the bathroom flower, my head still spinning, the sweat still pouring. I must've laid there for 10 or 15 minutes until it all started to subside and I struggled to my feet. I was soaking wet from the sweat so I stepped right into the shower and chilled myself out.

Maggie thought I may have the flu, but I didn't have any other symptoms. When I got to work, I went to WebMD and looked up my symptoms, none of them were very good diagnoses. But they all went along with other, move severe symptoms. There were three diagnoses that stood out to me: Malnutrition. Heat Stroke, and lastly Diabetic Shock.

Malnutrition, I'm not too sure about, if only because if anything, I'm better nourished now than I have been at any other point in my life. Maybe it was body going in a mini-shock for not being used to this diet, but I can't imagine it would have been so severe. Heat Stroke would be a weird one for sure, that only peaked my interest because of the fact that I have a heated mattress bad, and I like it really really warm, hot I would say. So getting out of the ultrawarm bed and into the ultra-cold surroundings could have shocked my body. The last one is easily the most terrifying and the most real. Diabetic Shock. One of the reasons I'm doing this, losing weight, is because I'm at high risk for Diabetes, the same disease that killed both my grandma and my mom. From my understanding, if it were diabetic shock, then I would have needed emergency care immediately. If not that, I would have needed to eat something very quick. It happened to my mom a couple times, oddly enough it was a spoonful of sugar that would bring her out of it. I'm a little off put by those prospects and if it happens again I plan on going to the doctor.

The reason that I don't go now is that I feel totally fine right now. As soon as I got out of the shower, I felt 100 times better. I feel great now, I felt great then. So my own personal inside doctor says it was just some weird fluke thing. It was like I was going to throw-up for the most part.

The other thing is that yesterday was the first time I ate something really heavy and fatty in weeks. We had beef roast for lunch and it was amazingly delicious, but I'm also thinking it could have contributed to whatever this morning was.

No Coffee

I'm a little full for some reason. I ate my Yogurt/Flax Cereal concoction for breakfast and had a fruit leather and some walnuts for a snack. For lunch I had butternut squash ravioli Lean Cuisine and an Oreo 100 Calorie Granola bar. So far today only 14.5 points. I'm actually full. I also have to poop.