Thursday, August 27, 2009

Still hovering around 255-260. I haven't gained much, nor have I lost much. I'm just maintaining. The thing is, I do not want to maintain. I want to lose more. If the past 6 or 7 months has proven anything, it's that Maggie and I can maintain. Which is something that I feared we would not be able to do. I thought that i'd get down to my goal weight and just go back to the 2 Frozen Custard Cones a day habit, or spending 10 dollars at Taco Bell just by myself.

The good news is that McDonalds, Taco Bell, KFC and Wendy's are pretty gross to me now (for the most part). Would I eat a Big Mac right now? Probably, but I would never go there and buy one, not only because I know they are gross, but I would feel immensely self conscience about being a fat ass going to buy a Big Mac. I still get a rumbly in my tumbly for a Whopper now and then, but I'm not going to get one. Fast Food was always one of my biggest issues, I would eat fast food upwards of 10 times a week for months at a time. I think i've sort of licked that compulsion, but it will always be there slightly. Especially when people in the office bring in french fries, and I have to sit here smelling them.

Maggie and I have hit a speed bump though. We can't get back to what we were doing a year and a half ago, when I lost almost 90 pounds over the course of 9 months. What were we doing then that is so different from what we are doing now? I think its been an issue of control and access. We don't really control what we eat as much as we used. We don't eat bad, but theres a difference between eating properly and eating to lose weight.

I hope to get back on track, if not right now, then soon, because i'm at a point now where i'm on the brink of being able to fit into any XL sized shirt I want, but not all of them (especially the cursed athletic fit). If it doesn't fit, i cannot justify buying a XXL. I just can't do it. It would make me feel like I gave up. So instead, my wardrobe has dwindled down to a couple polos, 2 button ups and more t-shirts than i've ever had in my entire life because t-shirts are cheap and they fit pretty reliably (even though maggie thinks they're probably a smidge too tight, i don't disagree).

I'll try and start posting more often because it always felt good when I could share my triumphs and my failures and all of that. Maggie sent me a link to a fantastic website, Pasta Queen, run by a girl who lost almost 200 pounds over 2 years, and this little bit felt particularly relevant to me:

Food is my drug, Kroger is my dealer and I've definitely been using. I'm still not sure if "addict" is quite the right word. The term "compulsive eater" might be a better description. I've definitely felt compelled to eat. I've wanted to eat chocolate in a way that is more powerful than just a desire for something yummy. I've wanted to eat when I'm not hungry. I've wanted to eat when I know it will make me gain weight or cause me health problems, and I've done it anyway. I've wanted to eat in some primal way that goes beyond just the need for survival.

Read the rest of the entry here. It's really good.