Saturday, February 2, 2008

Ice Cream

Today I ate some kashi cereal for breakfast with skim milk. For lunch we went to Bass Pro Shop and I think i did pretty good. Despite drinking a couple glasses of diet soda, I ate grilled barbecue grouper and grilled blackened tuna with veggies and a plain baked potato (i put a little wasabi on the potato). I then went to see a movie so I had a pretty big diet soda there, but i stopped myself from eating any candy or popcorn.
I then tooled around for a bit and eventually ended up at red robin for dinner where i had a tasty salad with a grilled chicken breast.
All in all, I did okay today. I should probably stay away from all the soda though. At least i've gotten re-used to diet after only drinking regular for so long. When I lived with the 'rents we only had diet in the house because my mom was diabetic, so i was pretty used to it. But when I started going to college, i switched to regular for the extra boost from the sugar.
The worst part of the day was going to wal-mart. that place usually always depresses me. It depressed me because they had some cool t-shirts with Marvel comics characters on them (one had Cap) and natch, none in my size. I'm pretty sure they stopped selling 3XL at Wal-mart, at least the ones I go to. That really bummed me out. I like t-shirts, and I've never really been able to wear any with cool shit on them because they're always pretty hard to find in fatty sizes. I keep telling myself that when I lose weight, I can buy all the cool shirts I can handle. But its still a pain in the ass. Not only that though, I see plenty of awesome clothes everyday that I cannot fit into. I'm not necessarily saying they should make cooler clothes for fat guys (they should), but its kind of depressing that the only places I can find clothes in my size are places like Wal-mart or Steve & Barry's. One is giant evil corporation, the other uses sweat-shop labor. If I don't buy stuff there, I have to go to Casual Male XL (worst name change ever) or Mens Wearhouse, where everything is way too expensive. Worst case scenario I end up at Value City, it usually cheap, but theres a reason for it, the arms are too long or theres some mystery stain on it. I'd like to be a socially conscious shopper and only give money to places I agree with in an ideological sense but that nearly impossible for me to achieve right now due to monetary limitations and size restrictions.
It all kind of ties into getting super depressed by fundamentally being "stuck" in my current state right now. I've got Maggie, and thats the best thing going for me. But i have a lame job, I make shit money and I have tons o' debt. All this adds up to Justin staring at a shirt two sizes too small for him with a picture of Captain America on it, almost crying in the middle of the aisle at wal-mart.
When I start getting depressed, what do i think about but eating? There's a Steak and Shake in the same parking lot as Wal-Mart. It would be so easy to head over there and gulp down a cookies and creme shake with an extra cherry. Holy fuck, I could practically feel the grittiness of the ice cream rolling around in my mouth. I wanted it so fucking bad.
But I maintained. I put my head down, and made sure not to look in the direction of the steak and shake, lest the bitch tempt me more, and I made a bee line for my car and took the back way out, to make sure I avoid Steak and Shake, Wendy's, Taco Bell and further up the road Burger King and White Castle. It would have been so easy to just take down that fucking shake, but no, fuck that. If I had done that I would have just been even more fucking depressed and I would have wanted to eat even more. Fuck that. I maintained.
I was kind of proud of myself. But I was also a little depressed that I think about food like that. Like its something that I can't have or can't control. I don't think its a matter of denying myself something I desire, or I don't think it should be at least. I think it should be a matter of eliminating the desire in the first place, or wherever that desire comes from. Which is a whole other ballgame.

Friday, February 1, 2008


At work we have a table full of junk food and little can to drop money in. On the table today, in addition to the regularly appearing chips and candy bars, are little cups of caramel to be used for dipping apples. I would like to eat the little cup of caramel, whether a not an apple is involved.

Last night Mary made delicious Turkey Chili. It was spicy and tasty and I ate two bowls of it. I also ate two pieces of cornbread. Oh yea, and about 5 O'Henry Bars and 2 fish-shaped gingerbread cookies. It was all really good. I also felt pretty awful about myself after eating it all. Maggie says I should stop eating so much at one time. I kind of agree with her. I wish food wasn't so good.

Tomorrow my brother is coming out here and we're gonna go to lunch. I feel a kharmic obligation to eat healthily, but also in the presense of my brother i will feel like eating tons of not-so-good-for-you food. I had mentioned to him Bass Pro Shop, which has delicious seafood, which tends to be healthier. I also mentioned Quaker Steak & Lube, which has wings and all kind of awful for you food. But they also have a salad with a grilled chicken breast thats fairly large and filling. Then I also said maybe Wagoners, which is a barbecue place and pretty much all they have is Ribs and other shit slathered in barbecue sauce. I may opt for Bass Pro Shop, because the only stuff I shouldn't eat on the menu is stuff I wouldn't normally get from a seafood place anyways, like fried stuff or hamburgers or steaks. I could go with a tuna steak or even some other kind of grilled fish and be good. so long as i stay away from the fries. Here's to hopin'.
I just ate 4 pieces of pizza and i'm in the middle of a diet coke. I won't eat anymore pizza. probably.

First Post

So far today:

1/2 Orange (it didn't taste good so I didn't finish it)
1/4 thing of Peach Yogurt (it tasted weird, so i looked at the expiration date and it expired in December, so I chucked it)
Full thing of Vanilla Yogurt (it tasted good)
1 cup of Coffee

They are buying Pizza at work for all the suckers who actually came in today despite the awful weather. I promise not to eat too much.

There are donuts on a desk behind me. I think they want me to eat them. I won't let them win.