Cake is awesome, I am not.

I'm still eating well. But the feeling of awesomeness gained from diet change has subsided into my normal depressing self. I feel totally awful today. I ate yogurt and cereal for breakfast, and other than this cup of coffee that I'm working on, all I've had is a piece of grape fruit leather. I'm not going to cheat. Though I really want to. There's been a cake sitting in the breakroom for about a week, and its probably gone bad by now, but I really want to slam my face into it and devour it.

This brings me to what I think was one of my issues to begin with. My association with food and feeling happy. When I would get depressed, I would eat, regardless of whether or not I needed it or whether or not I was even hungry. It didn't matter what it was, as long as I was eating. Last night Maggie was taking a bath and I was working on my LinkedIn profile and all of a sudden I felt extremely lonely. I went down to the kitchen to find something to eat. I hadden yet breached my points alotment, and I probably shouldn't have eaten anything else for the day, but I settled on a bag of popcorn. A whole bag. Its not necessarily bad for me, but it was really good for me either.

Why did I do that? Because I felt lonely and sad and since Maggie was taking a bath I needed food to comfort me. That sort of what I feel like doing right now. Maggie isn't here, and there's nothing here at work to make me feel good other than tons of shitty food. I'm going to avoid it, if only to prove it to myself that I can. But what other options do I have for getting rid of the shitty feeling? I'm not sure.

Last night I also had a really weird dream that I think may have weirded me out for the day. I dreamt that my dad had to take me to school, to high school in fact. Only our car was parked in someone elses yard and we had to hop a fence to get to it. I've always had issues with hopping fences. I think i'm just not coordinated enough to pull it off gracefully. So my dad hops the fence and tells me to join him. I told him to get the car and drive around the block to pick me up. He runs to the car and I turn around to run back into my house, only this time I'm not wearing any shoes and the backyard is full of dried dog shit that I have to hop and jump over to avoid stepping in. I get back inside and my mom, who died two and half years ago, is laying on the couch watching something on TV about the Civil War. She's hugging my dog Maggie, and my other dog Molly (both of which died just before my mom did) is sitting in front of the couch. I was consciously aware of the fact that I hadn't seen my mom in over 2 years so I went to sit next to her on the couch and I began petting my dogs. Then my mom told me that I had to get to school. So she walked me to this small classroom in the middle of a field which was in the middle of a forest. I went inside and I sat next to my cousin Nick, who had died almost 10 years ago. My mom sat across the room from us. The teacher is teaching something about ecology and nature and showing us slices taken from trees and informing us that tree rings can tells us alot about what a tree has been through and how old it is. Just then this large group of people dressed like pilgrims walks in. Their clothes have this strange green threading. They start chanting something at my cousin, and my mom tells me "It's alright" and some of them turn to start chanting at my mom. At this point I am consciously aware of that fact that I am communing with the dead and that none of this is actually happening. Then I woke up.

I have no idea what any of that means, but It really makes me want to eat some cake.